What felt like a million attempts led to this blog post. This raw-honest post.
There’s so much that can be spoken about, but today we will only speak on this: The reality of what comes with expectancy. As someone who everyone expected to be far in life is truly at square one. I’ve dropped out of college, I’m living with mom again working a part time job and gave up on an opportunity that had so much in store for me. Now, not saying this is a terrible position to be in, it’s just not the position I ever saw myself to be in. I am going to share the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my whole 19 years of life. The lesson that came with certainty.
Right out of highschool, I was ready to begin my journey. I had everything planned. I was on my way to getting my Masters in communications, I was going to make so many friends, United Outkast was on its way to reaching the masses and I was on my way to becoming a millionaire before 21. There was nothing stopping me until the unexpected happened. Unfortunately, I had come across an experience that would change the entire trajectory of my direction, leading me the complete opposite way of my path. Slowly but surely, I began to spiral until I fell smack dab in the middle of rock bottom. It has been a year since I’ve been confident in who I was. A year since I was passionate about my purpose. The question now is, how can I get back to that, or maybe, is there something even better in store?
As someone who has always done the saving, I can admit that I needed to be saved. I’ve run out of fuel. I guess this is the notorious part of adulthood that everyone has warned me about. I’ve spent a portion of this year questioning my sanity, another portion asking the how’s and the why’s, I spent time blaming my circumstances, but here today I am left with no other choice but to learn from the outcomes and deal with the unexpected. It is safe to say that I never had it all together, and the truth is I spent so much time convincing myself that I did, even when the ground was crumbling beneath me. I no longer am chasing the person that I was, but getting to know the person that I am now. I’ve grieved the girl who was oblivious to hard truths about life, and am working on the girl who deep down knows can overcome more than she might want to. I’ve seen parts of myself that I never wanted to see, but now I know I needed to. The parts that have kept me from being me unapologetically. I now can come to terms with the fact that I am a people pleaser, a perfectionist, a workaholic, someone who struggles with codependency, and above all of that, a girl who has years of healing buried beneath the heels of a runner.
I spent this entire year shaming myself for making the choices that led me here, but I failed to look at the beauty of this all, the beauty of learning from living. What seemed to be a disaster turned out to be my greatest revelation. I’m nowhere close to where I want to be, but I sure am further than I was, and for the first time I am truly learning to rejoice in my progress. The old me wouldn’t consider a celebration without physical results, but I only have the capacity today to honor emotional growth. Which is much more valuable than the praise I was used to getting. I used to balance plates on my finger tips, making sure that my righteous performance was enough. Today I am learning to carry one plate at a time in the palm of my hand, internalizing the fact that righteousness has to start in my heart, and knowing that is enough. I’ve allowed my pride and expectancy to hurt the ones closest to me, trying to prove a point that didn’t exist. I spent so much time attempting to force the future into my present, which only pushed it further and further away. I always saw myself as one thing and one thing only, and that was right. But thank God for truth and reflection. Nowadays, I find myself accepting my mistakes, inviting in my flaws with hopes that one day, they will be cared for and tended to as they were always meant to be. I no longer strive for perfection, but for whole-hearted happiness. Which, believe it or not, is new to me.
So for someone who may be a leaf in the wind with no control, my advice to you is to let go and find peace without a grip. There’s no need to stress about what didn’t work out or what should have been because honestly, change is the one thing we can’t run from. From someone who spent an entire year complaining about her circumstances, save yourself the hurt and just be. Because what may seem like a disaster could be the gifts given to you by life. How are you going to treat them? How are you going to use them? Where are you going to take them? It all comes down to a change in perspective and a heart of grace. I understand the frustration that can come with complacency, but don’t turn your face to the virtues that lie in stillness. We are called to love, but love can be replaced quickly with stone cold emotions when we step out of the now. Dysfunction is present when we place our consciousness out of reality, so I pray that you and I can be here in this moment together. We can’t afford to skip a beat, because time doesn’t wait on us.
With love, Riss.